Hi, I'm Dani Tan. I'm the founder of she belongs here. And this is the you're overqualified podcast. I am a leadership coach, former vp, and here to help you when it comes to all things, when it comes to your career, leadership in general. And on today's episode, we're talking about how to build executive presence without becoming someone else. And so, um, from my background, in case we haven't met before, I pivoted careers five times. I worked in PR, sales, merchandising, e commerce, you name it all achieving 11 promotions in 11 years. So yes, I went from a sample coordinator to a VP of a multi billion dollar company to then going and pursuing entrepreneurship. How that kind of unfolded was that I found that I always loved building and hiring teams, developing the people that I worked with, and being able to create opportunities for those who maybe didn't have them.

And so it kind of just unfolded where I was a coach in my day job, which led me to be a coach for my full time job. I always love working with folks when it comes to their careers. One of the things that I was volunteering and doing was America needs you as a nonprofit for first gen college students, helping them get internships and figure out their careers. And that's one of my passions as well. So let's dive into today's episode when it comes to how to build executive presence without becoming someone else. And so you may have heard some of the things that come up when folks will say to you. And I myself have heard these things too, especially when I was having my corporate career and building it out.

Maybe you've gotten some feedback that says your manager is at your performance review, or maybe it's a skip level meeting. You didn't see it coming. And they say, oh, you know, your executive presence is just, it's a little lacking, right? We need a little bit more of it. And it sounds to you like, does that mean be more confident? Does that mean take up more space? Does that mean command a room? Like, I don't know what that means. And so maybe you went and googled it and you got the results about handshakes or the tone that you use, or how you show up within the room. And underneath all of that, the one quiet question that may be coming up is, do I have to become a different person to get promoted, just to become a different person, to be seen and recognized as a leader?

And the answer is no. No, you don't. So nobody's going to tell you. Unfortunately, you know what to do with that feedback. Sometimes they will just say executive presence, and there is no explanation. And so we're going to talk about what that actually means and unpack that today day together. So let's start with it. We like to break it down into three phases. This phase one. So executive presence is code for something nobody will probably explain to you. And so it can be something that is so subjective when it comes to pieces of feedback that especially that a woman can receive. And so let's break it down a little bit more. It gets used in so many different ways, right? So it could mean something like, you speak too fast.

It could mean something like you're too quiet in executive meetings. It could be something of like, you haven't built the right relationship. And the thing is, is that, you know, maybe it's saying that you don't show up or you're not matching the next level picture, but a lot of the times, and let's be honest, it could also mean, like, you don't remind us of the leaders who have come before you or that we have now in the leadership team. And so when feedback is too vague, it is very hard, slash, not possible to create a development plan, right? Because now you're just going off a vibe. Where is the facts, where is the data to create the plan? So you cannot build a strategy around folks giving you vague information.

It's just not going to happen. And so sometimes we end up responding as like, we actually get quieter. We kind of shrink ourselves because we're not sure what is the right thing to do. We're not sure what to action. And so we're like, okay, well, you know, maybe I'm doing something wrong. And then we're just, you know, throwing things at the wall in the dark. And what I want you to know is that when you're getting stuck, you cannot, you know, grow within leadership or grow to get promoted by just taking shots at different things and trying to make them work. You have to have a real clear strategy to have that. You have to have real clear feedback. So, you know, one of my clients, she definitely got the feedback that she was too direct.

So that is just her communication style. You know, she's very clear. She's super efficient, she's precise. And it was being read as abrasive, let's say. So she came in, you know, to work with me within coaching, and she was saying like, hey, you know, maybe I need to like, soften myself. Maybe I'm, I'm, you know, I'm being told I'm Too direct. But I appreciate that thing and the thing that I want to tell her. And I just, I actually adore and love and respect direct people because I do believe that direct, you know, does not mean difficult. Direct just means that you're concise and you're getting to the point. But what I told her was, within coaching was that the real problem wasn't her directness.

It was that she had not been given, like, a specific moment or meeting or example that triggered that feedback. And so, you know, we can't fix something that we can't see or that we don't know. And so that's something that I want you to kind of notice, is that if you were given feedback, is there specificity around. Around the feedback that you were given? Right. We can't just take blanket statements and run with them and then change our identities just for that blanket statement. Like, we need the facts, I want the receipts. And so this takes me to the next point of you can't change what nobody has named, right? So if someone hasn't named it, how do you change it? And so the first move is to decode the feedback, get really specific.

So go back to whoever gave you that feedback and ask, can you give me a specific example? What did that look like? What would the alternative have looked like? Right? Because we kind of just take sometimes what people say and we're like, oh, well, they are in a position of power or they are a leader or they are a manager, or they are an authority figure. But what we forget is they're a person, they're a human being, and they make mistakes and they also need to help clarify for us. And so the biggest thing I will say is like, go back and ask them for a specific example situation, what did it look like? And then ask them what would be an alternative to handle it. Right? Get an idea of where their head is at, of how they would have handled that.

And so most managers or leaders don't get that specific, or maybe they don't even get asked that question. And so when you do ask, you start to hear things. Like in the leadership meeting last month, you were challenged on a timeline and you got defensive quickly. That is something you can kind of work off of. Or you, whenever you present to the exact team, right. It feels like you're reading your slides rather than owning the room. Okay, that's something that we can work with. And so without specifics, you are guessing. And guessing is going to cost you time, it's going to cost you energy, and it's going to make you frustrated. And I honestly, you could lose your sense of self because you're trying to shift shape and mold into something that you're not even sure of.

And so with the same client, when I asked her to go back to her manager and get a specific example, what she realized that, you know, her manager noticed that whenever there was, like, a difficult conversation, Sarah would just, like, jump to the conclusion of like, okay, this is the. This is the conclusion, this is the solution. This is what we got to do. And so whenever she was going into a meeting and there was a problem or something difficult that was coming up, she just went straight to solution. And she kind of steamrolled the exec team because they were like, okay, well, you're telling us we have to do this. It's this or nothing. And we don't have context. We don't have, you know, we don't have a frame of reference.

We don't have, like, the storyline behind this. And so it wasn't that she was too direct. It was that she was just leading with the end all, be all punchline without setting up the room first, without bringing them into the conversation, without giving them the context. And so they took it as like, you know, oh, she's like, too direct. And it really was that. No, she's actually coming with a solution, but it's how she was framing it. So this brings me to the next point is you get to decide what's worth changing and what's worth owning, right? Because remember, this is this. This episode is called how to Build this Presence Without Becoming Someone Else. And so you get to decide what's worth changing and what's worth owning.

So once you know what they're actually asking you to change, you get to decide, is this a skill worth building or is this a place to push back? Because some executive presence feedback is legitimate and useful, right? Like, it's feedback. Maybe like, you know, the term or the phrase is one thing, but the feedback sometimes is useful for us and then sometimes. So it could be them asking you to code switch or asking you to shrink your identity or ask you to perform some kind of version of leadership that was not built with you in mind, right? Like some old archetype. And that is unhelpful. So I want you to know that the values that you were raised with, humility, directness, community, they are not liabilities.

They are not an issue. They are definitely strengths of who you are and the leadership style that you bring, they should be from. Framed accordingly for that space, not Erased. And so then what you do is you build. You build, and you don't wait for people to notice what you're doing. You create these moments that center your uniqueness, that center your strengths, and then also bridge the gap between what they're looking for within their team. And so when you're able to understand and identify, okay, what were the specific examples, right, Getting that specific feedback back, and then understanding, okay, now I have the feedback, how do I decode that? And then what do I decide I want to work on as a skill versus maybe something that I legitimately want to push back on?

That's okay. And so you are able to then practice where you. You, you know, you own the room. You get to understand how to build relationships with senior leadership intentionally. And then you're able to, you know, lead a project and share the narrative. Not just, like, go jump into the conclusion instead of just living in the data of it, but also being strategic about it. And so, for example, my client, in the end, she did not. She did not erase her directness. You know, what she did was she added relational warmth in the sense of when there was hard conversations or hard decisions being made versus just jumping to, well, this is what it has to be, or things are going to fall apart. She would actually bring in the team and say, hey, this is what we've been working on.

Based on what we've been working on. These are the issues we've been facing, and this is what the best solutions would be. And that made it seem like, okay, she's thought this through. She's bringing us, and she's asking us for her opinion. And that was just a shift. She's still direct. She's still being exactly who she is. And so what she realized was that later, you know, she was like, oh, you're actually really clear and decisive and a great communicator. And so same person, but just better framing, better framing and understanding what the needs are. And so I just want you to kind of think about, like, if you're getting executive presence feedback right now, whether it's, like, vague or it's kind of like a contradiction of each other, I want you to know that no one should be asking you to be someone that you're not.

Right. And I definitely am not asking you that either. And I would just say, like, that's the work that we do together. So if you want to be able to, you know, fill the answer or. Or go ahead and work on your executive presence and you're feeling. You have vague, or you know, feedback that contradicts, and you don't want to become someone that you're not. And that's what we can do together. So I would say, you know, go ahead, book a call and learn what it's like to work together in private coaching. Because together within private coaching, what we do is we understand where it is that you want to go. So what is your plan for yourself in the next, you know, three, six months? And then based off of that, what is the feedback that you are receiving?

Right. When it comes to executive presence, we decode that feedback, and then what we do is we figure out what is worth building for skills, what is in alignment and how to do in a way that is alignment with who you are, your values, right? So you don't feel like you're becoming someone else. And we build the strategy so you're driving your own leadership narrative, not just responding to what someone is telling you. And so when you book a call on the call, we talk together to, one, understand what's been coming up in the challenges that you've been facing. Two, then I give you a custom coaching plan to see what it would be like to work together. And then overall, then we'll do a gut check and say, like, okay, this makes sense, or maybe not, but this is something that always will come up within leadership when it comes to executive presence is something that I faced myself too, when I was going into leadership from.

Even when I had my first role as a coordinator and assistant, I was always getting feedback on executive presence, from how I was speaking to how fast to how slow, to the words that I used to how I dressed to how I presented. And what I found was I didn't have to necessarily hide myself or change myself into something else. I had to figure out, you know, what was the real specific feedback that was coming back. And for me, it had been something along the lines of like, oh, we want to make sure that your message resonates for people and that there's influence and impact behind that. And so that was something that I knew I had to work on. When it came to how I dressed, I didn't want to be, you know, like everybody else.

And this is no shade, but like everybody else with their Louis Vuitton purse and their heels, you know, I wanted to speak on stages and be in Converse printed sneakers. And that's also part of the charm of how people come and find me. A lot of the times I hear the feedback of, I want to work with you because you don't look like everybody Else, I want to work with you because you can show up on a stage and you can be funny, but also be direct and serious and also be able to bring people in, have warmth, while being able to, you know, be wearing whatever, you know, sneakers. That's always a big thing I get. I get a lot of feedback on. And so just knowing that you can do that for yourself as well, it's just about being able to understand where people are maybe not in alignment of the message that you're trying to convey and how to just tighten that up so it makes sense and it lands for people.

So if you're kind of like, oh, my gosh, like, what if the feedback is valid? Like, that's a question, right? What if their feedback is valid? Like, you know, you're saying to me, hey, maybe they are right? Then that's okay. Then we do the work. And the goal isn't to avoid growth. It's just to make sure the growth that you're doing is actually moving you toward where you want to go and not just making you more palatable for someone else's idea of leadership. And if you're thinking, like, ooh, I've tried to change and nothing worked, that's usually because the feedback wasn't specific enough for you to act on, and the work is to be decoding. How do we decode that so you shouldn't have to do that by yourself.

And then lastly, if you're like, what if my company just doesn't value people like me? That might be true, but before we go there, let's make sure you have a real strategy to analyze and understand that. Because sometimes what feels like a culture problem is maybe a positioning problem. And either way, you deserve the clarity, not just guessing. And either way, you'll be able to make a plan from there, right? What does that look like for you if that is the case? And then how do we make those steps to get you to place that does value you in that culture? And so you don't have to become someone else to lead at the next level. You have to get clear on what's actually being asked of you and decide what you with intention, what you're willing to build and what you're willing to go on your own and do.

And so you either decide to own it or you don't. And that's the work, and it's worth doing. And so hopefully you found this episode helpful, and I will catch you on next week's episode.